Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing outof his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

 Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your
round. The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my
arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

 Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of  himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire  in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're  closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a  complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
 
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".  He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a  red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
 
 So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
 
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.